Pastor Adam Parker
When people are experiencing grief, we often may struggle with what to say, or how to treat them. Should we say something? Should we say nothing? How do we think about our own role as a brother or sister in Christ, especially to a fellow church member who is experiencing grief?
To begin with, Paul says that we should “bear one another’s burdens” in Galatians 6. We should let that be the verse that dominates our thoughts as we engage with hurting people. The points is not for us to make the pain go away, the point is to spread the pain around – bear some of it with them so they do not feel alone and abandoned by those who should be closest.
Depending on your personality, you may impulsively want to settle theological issues for this person. You may want to express care/interest by asking questions that really serve to satisfy curiosity. In your good intentions you may be tempted to say something theologically dubious for the sake of offering “comfort.” The truth is, we can do real harm that people remember for a long time if we are not thoughtful about how we speak in the time of grief. Let me share some things that people actually do in the aftermath of grief that we should be eager to avoid.
Don’t try to ignore it. The most painful and dramatic event has taken place. Many people think that if they talk about this painful thing with someone that it will make the situation worse. However, ignoring it can come off as callous and hurting. Nancy Guthrie recalls a time when they had lost a child and her husband, at work, had a co-worker who was aware of what had happened, and seemed to almost intentionally avoid the subject. He never even acknowledged this major event in his co-worker’s life. Sometimes we fear that the grieving person has heard too much about this subject, and so choose to say nothing. One woman named Rachel, though, said this about her grief: “You never remind me of it; it’s always on my mind, and I think about my son all the time. I may be ‘getting on with my life,’ working, being busy with things, but I love when anyone brings up his name and says anything about him.” The grieving person cannot get away from the pain, or how they feel. Acknowledging their pain will not make the problem worse. Please don’t ignore the grieving person’s hurt entirely.
Don’t try to fix them. We may be tempted to enter into this person’s situation, not with sympathy, but with solutions (“I know a doctor who specializes in that issue.” “I know the perfect book for you to read.” “I know the person you need to talk to.”). The truth is, even if you devise the perfect thing to say, you can’t fix the situation or solve the problem of the grieving person. Some of us have “fixer” personalities and need to be reminded of this. Grieving people do not go into conversations expecting that you will say something that makes the pain go away – neither should you.
Don’t try to theologize. God is always important, and theology really always matters. But the grieving process is not the time when those things are meant to be worked out. We are meant
to prepare for suffering and grief theologically before the events of our life overwhelm us. Theological discussions (unless the grieving person raises the issue) in the aftermath of a life altering event are rarely helpful. I continue to remember a well meaning family member, nearly 18 years ago, after the death of our twins, who told us that “God did not want this to happen.” I suspect I know what they meant, but rather than comfort, I found myself hurt and annoyed that this person thought I would be helped by such a thing. I’ve remembered that bad help ever since. At the same time, a real friend is ready to engage in a difficult conversation if the grieving person raises the issue. Let the hurting person be the one to raise the hard subject, not you.
Don’t try to compete. You may want them to know that you know how they feel. That’s not how we bear someone else’s burdens. Don’t compare the grieving person’s loss to your own loss or anyone else’s. Comparing pain is a temptation (“I know someone who lost two children, not just one.” “You, know worse things have happened.”). All sorts of thoughts run through our heads – that doesn’t make them a good idea to say aloud.
Don’t try to satisfy your curiosity. Nancy Guthrie remembers a person who once asked for details of a loved one’s autopsy. Coley Fisher shared something that people actually did in the aftermath of his brother’s death. “People walked right up to me and asked how my brother took his life. I was stunned. How could they ask that? I had gone through the hellish nightmare of dealing with the coroner, etc. People’s twisted interest in the details was way out of bounds.” It does sound like a bad idea when you read it in print, doesn’t it? A little ghoulish, as well? That’s because it is. Not only that, but it forces this person to re-experience something difficult for the sake of your curiosity. They may have witnessed something awful that will be with them the rest of their life. If you love someone, don’t make them needlessly relive those painful moments by prying. You may wonder about the circumstances – how did it happen? Who found them? These questions are best kept to yourself.
Don’t try to cheer them up. Telling the grieving person, “God is good” in a moment where they are possibly struggling through the goodness of God is not appropriate. Let the grieving person state those conclusions, and we can heartily agree in response. Nancy Guthrie says it this way: “Just because the words on the tip of your tongue are true doesn’t make it okay to say them. Or perhaps now is not the time to say them.” We may think our job is to end the conversation on a happy note, so we rush this person to the “right” conclusion. In our rush we may end up saying silly sentimental things that help no one (“I guess God just needed another angel.”) or pushing them to look on the bright side (“Unlike Job, you still have other children.”) or summarizing things in a tidy spiritual bow (“It must have been God’s plan.”). Please don’t make it your goal to cheer up the grieving person.
One woman named Donna put it this way: “Many friends were so eager for my pain to end that they encouraged me to have joy. They said that, because they did not want to see me hurt. But what they did not understand was that because of joy—the joy of the Lord—I could be sad.” Suffering is a marathon, not a sprint.
Nancy Guthrie says it like this: “Offering real comfort to those who are grieving is not about leaving them with a happy thought, but more about accepting where they are—whether that be happy or sad, confident or confused.” The grieving person isn’t going to “cheer up” – they are going to learn to live with this new normal, which takes time.
Be careful about asking “How are you doing?” It seems like such an innocent question, but if it isn’t asked by someone who has a close relationship (where it is safe to really open up and tell the truth), it can force the grieving person to perform. Nancy Guthrie again:
“The grieving person knows what the questioner most likely wants to hear—that everything is getting better, the world is getting brighter, the darkness is lifting, and the tears are subsiding. But oftentimes that just isn’t the way it is, and it can be awkward to be honest about the confusion, listlessness, and loneliness of grief. The reality of grief is that sometimes right after the loss we feel strong, but as time passes and the dailyness of life without the loved one settles in, we feel weak and weepy. And it can be awkward to talk about. We’re afraid that if we tell you how sad we are, you might think there is something wrong with the way we’re doing this grief thing.”
The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Look at King David in 2 Samuel 12. One minute he is fasting and laying on the ground, weeping and praying. The next minute he’s washing himself and worshiping. Giving grieving people the freedom to grieve in their own way and not feel rushed along by us is really important.
What should I do, then? Let me offer a few principles:
Be prepared to listen, to embrace, and to enter into suffering with this person. Determine that you will listen more than you talk. Remember: you cannot fix this, but you can be there and love this person.
Be prepared to acknowledge the hurt. Do not minimize or assume things about the other person’s pain. “I am sure that you are hurting now. We are praying that the Lord sustains you.”
Say the name of the person who died. Acknowledge them. To the grieving person, the one who died may have been the biggest part of their world. There is a fear that the deceased person will be forgotten as the rest of the world moves on. Saying their name has a way of saying, “I remember them.” (“I was very sorry to hear about Joe’s death.” “It must be hard going through all of this without Bob to be there with you.”). Paired with this, it’s okay to ask the grieving person to tell you stories about their loved one, or to talk with you about what they remember most (I do not recommend asking this in a crowded room or in the rush of conversation, by the way).
Express sympathy. It does not have to be difficult. If you are sorry for this person, then embrace them or shake their hand and just say, “I’m sorry that this happened,” or “I don’t know what I could possibly say to make this better, but please know that I’m praying for the Lord to strengthen you.” One woman said that a friend wrote her a note: “Life will never be the same for you. And I just want you to know, no matter what your life is going to be like, I will always be in it with you.”
We cannot fix this, we cannot cheer someone up, we cannot rush grief, and we cannot ignore it away. Instead, we enter into grief, and we share in it. In that way we “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
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* Much of what I’ve written here was drawn upon in the aftermath of reflecting on the book What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) by Nancy Guthrie. I highly recommend this book. If you want to learn more about how to love those who are grieving, please read it.